15 Sep 2017

When Home just isn't Home any more.

I'm probably isolating half of the world when I speak about subjects like this but I always try my best to put into words exactly how it feels if you haven't experienced it yourself.
Imagine landing in a country you've never been to before, you don't know what time it is, you don't speak the same language and you don't know where you need to go to get to your hotel. That's how I feel when i'm in Cleethorpes. Uncomfortable, lost and overwhelmed.
If I knew in 2012 when I left for university that home would never feel the same to me again, I'd have taken in so much more. When I was able to love my hometown and the people in it. Now I just honestly feel so foreign. My mind set feels different to my friends, my idea of a good Thai or Japanese meal can't be found anywhere and well, if you want to do something on a week night, tough luck my friend, there's the cinema, pub or bed.
When I returned in 2017 from a year in Australia I experienced the travel blues, big time.
I didn't want to be seen around my town, I didn't want to have conversations with people who knew me 5 years ago. I just truly felt alien. My anxiety went from 0-100 in a matter of weeks and it was the saddest time of my life. Most nights I felt as though I wouldn't care if I just didn't wake up. 
As much as I was homesick at times when I was travelling, it just didn't feel the same here anymore. I couldn't speak to anyone around me who felt the same and so I would spend hours on end on Facetime and Skype with people I've met away who have experienced the same thing.
The worst part of it all, is I feel selfish. I try not to talk about where i've been and how i'm unhappy in this town, yet it kills me inside. I pretend i'm ok with being here and for who? My friends? My family? The family business? But not for me.
I had made a plan to head back out to America in June 2018 and that thought alone kept me sane. I booked mini breaks to Dublin, Budapest and Spain but I just wanted more.
It was only when I visited Manchester Arena for the re-
opening concert in September, where I used to work during university, that it suddenly occurred to me. Why not move back here? I love it in Manchester. It's busy. It's multi-cultured. I'm not a globe away from home. And so that's what i've decided to do. 
I'm not really sure how to advise people on dealing with being home again, because I obviously can't deal with it myself. I'm just running away from it again. But I found that seeing a counsellor did help me overcome my anxiety and my lowest points and I am forever grateful for that. 
You really just have to think, if it's not where you want to be and where you feel happiest, then you should just do something about it and leave.
It's not that I won't miss being around here. I've loved being around to be an Auntie, a God Mother and being around for my best friends again like we used to but that doesn't have to end when I leave. Social media nowadays means that we can be anywhere we want in the world, and we can always be on one end of the phone if need be. 
I just know I have to do this for me. Nothing really changes yet everyone becomes so involved with their own lives that they get used to not having you around, which of course naturally happens, life goes on. That's exactly why I need to be around people who are ok with being single, don't want to have kids and be married before I have even learnt how to tell the time on an analogue clock. I need to be back in a city.
My dreams in life are to be successful and see as much of this planet as I possibly and realistically can, and well, those opportunities just aren't going to present themselves to me in a small seaside resort in Lincolnshire.
Have you ever felt like this?
Hit me up!

Just Write About It.
Raven Twigg
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